Why my marriage can make it through a deployment?

Typically, you wouldn't think much good could come out of a deployment.  The word itself can make some of our stomachs turn.  The truth is that there is a positive side to it.  Looking back six months ago I felt so weak and vulnerable.  The slightest thing went wrong and I was a blubbering mess of smeared mascara.  I kept asking myself over and over again why me when things wouldn't go how I planned.  It finally hit me...WHY NOT ME?   Believe me this deployment dealt me a tricky set of cards.  Anything from car issues to appendicitis happened.  So now on to the positive part, I found my old self again.  I dusted off those jeans that have been hiding in the back of the drawer for far too long and made it a goal to see my butt in them again one day.  Also, I took a full time load at school both semesters.  Not only did I slowly start to gain control of my life again but I found independence and confidence.  Controlled confidence can be sexy.  All in all this deployment gave me a chance to focus on myself.  In return my family will also see the benefits of me taking time to better myself.  I look forward to having Brandon back in the picture with us and being a team again. 

On a side note it obviously took me a long time to get to this point and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when they first leave.  I also understand if Brandon deploys again one day we will probably go through similar steps all over.  All I am saying is there is always room to better ourselves and reinvent our dreams....no better time than a deployment to make it happen.

Goals & Challenges

I have noticed that I am a happier person when I have goals in mind and I slowly chip away at them.  Sometimes these goals I have for myself turn into things that I didn't expect.  Recently, I have lost over 40lbs and still going.  Initially the journey was just about getting the weight off, but in between I have learned to respect every stretch mark and pound lost.  I may not ever feel comfortable enough to be in a bathing suit again, but I am OK with that.  I have made a baby, and not everyone can say they did that! I also breastfed my child for 13 months.  I basically gave my body up for almost two years in order to better my son.  I would do it all over again minus a few slices of pizza and sour patch kids.

After I finish this summer semester up I am going to challenge myself to read the bible.  I have discovered that I really don't know as much as I should about my faith.  How can I even call myself a Christian when I haven't even attempted to read the whole bible.  Sure, I know the major stories of the bible, but I need to be equipped with more than that.  I have questions that I have just put to the back of my head, but it is time to go looking for the answers.  I hope to get out of this a better understanding of what I believe in and the ability to stand up to whoever questions my beliefs.  Sadly, at this point in time I would probably be made out to look like a fool.  I know my heart is in the right spot, but I think God expects more out of us than that.  I know everything about my parents, husband, son, and best friends...why wouldn't I want to know all of God's story? 

I really am trying...

It always comes when I least expect it and at the most random times.  Sometimes I will be cooking dinner, doing homework, or just driving to school and the tears start pouring down.  Nothing in particular ever triggers it and I always feel stupid afterwards.  I miss him so much and my heart aches.  I sit in a class with 30 people in it and feel alone or I go to church on Sundays and I feel absolutely numb.  I don't know how to get past any of these feelings.  It is scary how much you can love someone and how deeply it can hurt and effect you when they are not in your daily life.  I am completely dependent on Brandon's love and support.  I am more than ready for it to be my turn for homecoming.  I am ready to pick out that special outfit I know he won't even care about when he sees us.  I am ready to feel the butterflies right before he gets off that white bus and into my arms.  I am ready to feel my heart pounding out of my chest when I finally see him.  I am ready to feel his arms completely wrapped around me.  And most of all I am ready to see him hold our son.  I have a few months to go and a whole semester of school to get through.  I know our day will come...

Keep on Keeping on

We are over the hump and I suppose we are on the down hill side now.  3 1/2 months and I am still standing and breathing.  I know I get stronger with every day that goes by, but I want my best friend back.  I need his support in so many things.  I am fortunate enough to be able to talk to him often through emails or phone calls, but that doesn't replace the look in his eyes that can say a 1000 words or when he grabs my hand to let me know we are in this together.  Most days I am OK but on evenings like tonight I feel overwhelmed with the amount of days we still have to be separated.  I feel horrible even mentioning this thought, but I wish I could go through a whole day without thinking about homecoming and deployment mess.  It is always in the back of my mind.  My husband and I have very separate lives right now and I will never see or understand where he is working at right now.  It is an odd feeling to go from knowing 90% of your spouse's days to being left to fill in the blanks.  Most details of my day feel too minor to even mention on the phone when we talk, but he insists that he wants to hear about it.  For now our family is going to keep on keeping on and pray that the next 3-4 months are a lot smoother than the past 4 months. 

Still The One

I love the fact that after over five years together Brandon still gives me that feeling that I want to stand on top of a mountain and tell the whole world that I absolutely love him and everything about him, even the way he sticks his top lip up when he is annoyed.  After three months of not seeing one another we were able to skype today and I don't think I can come down from the high.  I didn't think it would be too big of a deal but I was absolutely speechless when the web cam finally started working.  I couldn't quit smiling and neither could he.  I felt like I could have just sat there and stared at him the whole time without talking.  There is no other way to put it other than he took my breath away. 

The only downside is that it leaves me wanting more.  Only a couple more months of this deployment and I will be in his arms again!

Oh and did I mention I LOVE BRANDON MATTHEW BEANE.  If I had a notebook in front of me right now I would be doodling hearts and his last name all over it.

66 Days

I only have about a month left of this semester! YAY! I am sure I am going to end with an A in four out of five of my classes.  I ended up withdrawling from Spanish.  Withdrawling from Spanish was a hard pill to swallow, but I felt beyond lost in that class.  I know I can do it, and looking back I could have put more effort forth.  I will take Spanish again another semester.  Other than withdrawling from Spanish, I feel very good about school.  I am a little intimidated about the classes ahead of me, but I knew this wouldn't be easy.  If it was easy than everyone would have their nursing degree!  I know I will be Nurse Beane one day! 

The days never get easier without Brandon and I didn't expect them to.  Overall we are hanging in there and We are already down two months! Gosh.  Part of me can't believe that 66 days has passed already and then my heart aches that I haven't kissed him in 66 days.  I haven't seen him sleeping in 66 days.  I haven't dialed his number in 66 days.  I haven't seen him tuck Mason into bed in 66 days.  It is rough when I think of it that way.  I must admit that I do love the super duper sweet side of him that comes out when he is deployed.  When he deploys we have to get a little more creative about expressing our feelings and it makes our relationship stronger.  Brandon NEVER EVER writes hand written letters and I about died when I recieved one in the mail.  Not only was there a letter for me, but he wrote one for Mason too!  He is an amazing dad and husband.

Well this is my life for now.  School, deployment, gym, and Mason!  I am so thankful for that little monster.  He keeps me going when I don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other.

......

I wish that the one person that I know will never walk away from me or stop loving me was here.

I miss Brandon with all my heart.  Not a moment goes by that my body doesn't ache for him. I would do anything to sleep with his arms around me, feel his lips pressing up against mine, and slip my hand into his.  He is involved in every single thought I have.  Every thing Mason does I wish he could see, every tear I cry I wish he could wipe, every new recipe I bake I wish he could taste, and every single morning I wake up I wish I could see his face.  I swear I tell myself and everyone else that I am doing better and it gets easier, but I can't make myself believe that.  There is not a single thing in the world he could do to make me love him less and I feel that same comfort from him.  I would love to look in his eyes right now and hear him tell me everything will be ok with that half grin on his face.  I could have 100 people tell me the same thing, but it wouldn't make me feel the way Brandon would.  The truth is that everything is okay if I have him and Mason at the end of the day. 

I can't wait until this is over.

A little bit of this, and a little bit of that

Typically I try to have an idea of what I am going to talk about before I hit the keyboard to write my next blog entry.  Not today, I am just going to go with where my fingers take me.  Which is very similar to my life currently.  Even planning the day seems to be too much and typically it never goes how I planned anyways. 

I suppose I have a confession...I have seriously lacked in growing with my church community.  I haven't felt it in my bones to go.  Maybe these kind of feelings should be kept to myself, but I would like to think we all struggle with our faith from time to time.  I still fold my hands every night hoping to feel something....but I feel nothing.  I haven't felt any comfort in the last couple of weeks from the man upstairs.  I even started a daily devotional for military spouses.  I will hold onto my faith and I know it will grow again.

In my book, March is done! Ok, we have a couple more days, but so what!  Time seems to fly by during the days, but at night time every minute feels like an hour.  I toss and turn and don't fall asleep until after midnight.  I think of what Brandon is doing, what he is thinking about, what he is eating! The list is endless.  He is always on my mind.  I would like to think the worst of it is over.  The first month is always a struggle for me, but like the professionals say you eventually get in the swing of things.  I suppose Mason and I are at that point now.

The best thing I did for myself was putting Mason in child care at the beginning of this year.  The main reason was for school, but I have some hours of childcare left over to spend on myself.  I felt guilty actually using the hours outside of school, but I would like to think it makes me a better mother.  I get a chance to run, work out, or clean house without having to say "NO" a million times to Mason or dig thru the trash can looking for the remote.  Some days I just kick my feet up and read a magazine when he is there...I am a crazy, I know! :)

Yummm.

Lately it feels like if it isn't one thing it is another.  I realize crazy stuff happens everyday in our life, but I guess none of it ever seems that bad when you have someone to help hold you up.  It is easy to take your spouse for granted, but I don't think military spouses are guilty of that.  We realize a time will come when we can't hug our spouses and cook them dinner.  I would love to see Brandon chowing down on my sicilian meatloaf recipe and see that look of content on his face.  I know it may sound weird, but I love making him happy.  There isn't too much I can do when he is so far.  Of course I send the care packages, and I wish I could see see his face when he opens them. 

On a different note, I was thinking the other day about how I wish the days would go by quicker.  Then it hit me that there is probably another Marine wife out there wishing the opposite.  She is trying to squeeze in so many memories before the big deployment day.  It made me feel so selfish for a minute, but I will be in her spot again one day.  Unfortunately this is a continuous cycle and I don't see a end to to this war in the near future. 

I realize this is a short one.  I just wanted to let you know we are alive.  School is keeping my schedule loaded and exercising has become an everyday thing. 

I can't think of anything clever today.

Today. Today I was driving to church, and it just didn't feel right.  I wanted to feel Brandon's presence, but I couldn't.  I wanted to look over and see him riding in the passenger seat and hear him talking about digging into the biscuits and gravy at church.  I wanted to grab his hand and feel his fingers in between mine.  Life doesn't seem right without him here.  Sometimes I wonder what the heck am I doing here?  The reason I am here in Jacksonville, NC is to be with Brandon.  What is the point of living so far away from friends and family if I can't even be with him?  Then I quickly snap out of that train of thought, because this is going to be a way of life for us.  This isn't our first deployment and it will not be our last.  I can't up and move our family and crash at my parent's house for seven months at a time.  I have to make Jacksonville our home for the time being.  I have to make friends like I am going to have them in my life forever.  I can't think of the possibility of losing them in a year or two due to military orders.  Our lifestyle is all about living in the moment.  I can't plan for next year or even six months from now.  We take it a day at a time, and a step at a time. 

I ended up joining the church we have been attending for the last couple of months.  I felt good to make it official.  Sometimes, I am too hard on myself.  I deserve to be part of a church even if my relationship with God isn't where I want it to be yet.  All things happen in time.

Today I spoke with a spouse whose husband won't return until January 2012.  He will be deployed for an entire year.  I was speechless.  She is raising four kids on her own.  I admire her and I pray I can be as strong as her one day.

I also noticed another thing that us military spouses do.  I was asked when Brandon would be returning, and I said,  "sometime in September, hopefully."  They replied something along the lines of oh that is not that bad.  WHHHAAATTTT?  Are you living on a different planet than I am?  Not that bad?  I know I am guilty of probably saying similar things to other spouses, and I am going to be more aware of that from here on out.  I think we tell ourselves that it is not that bad hoping in return that we will actually believe it.  Does that theory work for anyone? Not me. 

All of this pain that I am going through is a good sign.  It means my heart is in the right spot.  I love my husband deeply and being apart like this should sting on a daily basis.  I am learning to live with it, but it is always there like an annoying bug bite.

oh and before we part....I almost forgot to mention something.  I want to say that Brandon said on the phone to me that they are starting a bible study in Afghanistan and he is thinking about going.  I couldn't believe it.  I thought the only reason I was getting him to go to our church was for the biscuits and gravy.  I am so happy to hear that he has a craving for God.  I ask anyone who reads this to pray that Brandon finds his way to that bible study and he finds what he is looking for there. 

I miss this.

To care package or not to care package?

I have been avoiding going care package shopping, because it just adds to the reality that Brandon is really not here.  He is not coming back next weekend or even next month.  That isn't exactly fair to Brandon who is anxious to have a taste of home when he is so far away.  Needless to say, I sucked it up and made him a care package.  I included the typical stuff that most of the guys want - Beef jerky, protein bars, and magazines.  Brandon also has a thing for crunchy peanut butter and I threw that in there also.  I wanted to do something a little special for him.  I miss having him around to taste my latest cacations, and I thought well heck he can still taste some of them even if he is all the way across the world.  With extra love and care I baked him cake in a jar and cheesy ranch chex mix.  I hope his heart is happy when he gets this package and he feels a little bit more connected to us.  I love Brandon Beane so much, and I would bake him a million cakes if that is what his heart desired.

I think next time I make the cake in a jar, I will use a measuring cup to pour it in there.  But hey I don't think they came out too bad for my first time making them! Brandon could care less if there is cake on the side of the jar or not.  If you make the cake in the jar remember to send icing(do not apply the icing in the jar) and forks/knives.  I will also include the recipes for ya :)

~Cake in a Jar~


Ingredients

• Get wide-mouth canning jars. You can find them at Walmart. Boil the jars to sterilize.
• 1 package of cake mix or any cake recipe

Directions
1. Make the cake batter according to the instructions or recipe
2. Grease the jar by liberally spraying the inside with cooking spray
3. Fill jar no more than 1/2 way with batter
4. Place jars on cookie sheet on rack in the oven. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean @ 400 degrees
5. While baking, boil jar lids in a pan of water
6. When cake is done, take on jar out at a time and cover with hot lid. Screw on jar ring tightening it slightly
7. The lid will seal as it cools. Listen to hear the "ping" as they seal.
8. As the cake cools, it will pull away from the jar slightly. That's OK, it just means that it will slide out of the jar easily.
9. DO NOT FROST cake in the jar! Send frosting along.
10. Make sure you wrap the jars well (bubble wrap is preferable, but wadded newspaper or clothing and other items will pad it too)

~Cheesy Ranch Chex Mix~

Original Recipe Yield 26 (1/2 cup) servings

Ingredients

• 9 cups Corn Chex®, Rice Chex® or Wheat Chex® cereal (or combination)
• 2 cups bite-size pretzel twists
• 2 cups bite-size cheese crackers
• 3 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted
• 1 (1 ounce) package ranch dressing and seasoning mix
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1.      In large microwaveable bowl, microwave butter uncovered on High about 30 seconds or until melted. Stir in cereal, pretzels and crackers until evenly coated. Stir in dressing mix and cheese until evenly coated.

2.      Microwave uncovered on High 3 minutes, stirring each minute. Spread on waxed paper or foil to cool, about 15 minutes. Store in airtight container.

If the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines

I can't quit thinking about Sgt. DeYoung and the family he left behind.  Every one's heart should be heavy when they hear his story.  The really heartbreaking thing of it all is that his story is happening everyday.  A Marine gave his life, the ultimate sacrifice.  He gave his life for you and I.  I posted his story on my facebook, but I don't know how many people really grasp what they read or if they even took the time to read it.  I mean do they understand that he was a husband, father, son, nephew, grandson, brother, and friend to someone?  He isn't a nobody and he died for complete strangers.  Strangers who probably just glance over his story and don't think much of it.  I don't mean to come off as aggressive or negative, and I hope I have it all wrong.  If you watch the video I posted, you can hear the sobbing.  I can only imagine how his wife feels.  A military wife's deepest fears are her reality.  There aren't any magical healing words for that kind of situation, and even time will never completely heal that kind of wound.  Please people, realize freedom is not free.  Sgt. DeYoung is a hero in every kind of way.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream

If it wasn't one thing it was another when it came to getting to the gym.  Either I was out of a car, or the baby sitter wasn't available to watch Mason.  I finally dragged my butt to the gym today and it was needed more than I knew  I can tell you right now I wasn't exactly excited about going, but once I got into doing cardio I felt the worries drift away.  For a hour and a half I didn't think about all the tests I have coming up, the presentation I am deathly afraid of giving tomorrow, or how messy the house is.  My worries about Brandon were even minimized during my time at the gym.  I can't say that they completely went away, but my thoughts weren't pounding like they usually are.  I could breathe.  After having this time to myself to just be me, and focus on nothing but myself, I felt like I had more control over things.  I felt hope to get this weight off that I have been dragging around for over a year. I will be smoking when Brandon gets back.  The real challenge is keeping it off and making this a change for our whole family.  I don't want this to be a constant battle, just a way of life.  Here is to another goal I would like to accomplish this deployment...lose sixty pounds.  Here are the other goals I have decided on. 

Goals for the deployment

• Get all A's and B's in my college classes
• Lose 60 lbs
• Start a deployment devotional
• Go to the park weekly with Mason
• Pay off Eclipse
• Become involved with Church
• Be the best friend I can be to all my people

I knew what I was getting into when I married a Marine

A new week is here and it is the last week of February! Wahhhoooo! Between exams, essays, and class presentations this week is booked and should make for another speedy week down. 

Some food for thought...I have heard a particular statement thrown around a lot about military spouses.  Sometimes I even hear military spouses saying it about themselves.  It is the words well I knew what I was getting into when I married a Marine or others will say you knew what you were getting into when you married a Marine.  What the heck does that mean? Do we really choose who we love and would you walk away from someone that was perfect for you because their occupation didn't fit into your fairy tale ending?  No matter how aware you are of what your future with your husband could be like, nothing prepares you like actually going through a deployment.  Then the second one will be different than the first and the fifth will be nothing like the third deployment.  There isn't any way to prepare yourself for this sort of thing.  Sure, the deployment will test your marriage, but it could also bring out the best in your marriage.  My Marine treats me good when we are together, but I can't deny that the most sensitive sweetest side of him comes out when he is away from home.  We have to get creative with our communication and show one another we love them in different ways.  He can't exactly give me that kiss on my head that lets me know that everything is going to be okay, but he can send me a thoughtful email with all the words I need to hear or a pic of him doing the I love you sign.

Back to the saying about knowing what you were getting into.  That statement makes it seem like military spouses don't have the right to be upset that their heart and soul is deployed.  People need to know the struggles that happen everyday for military families.  If you are sad, because your husband is deployed tell people! More than likely people will thank you for what you are going through and tell you that they could never do what you are doing.  Sometimes you need to hear that and don't be afraid to dig for some gratitude.  You deserve it.

My Daddy is a United States Marine

My heart goes out to my Marine today.  He typically calls in the middle of the night when Mason is sleeping, but it worked out today that Mason was awake when he called.  Brandon was more than anxious to hear Mason babbling and he was hoping to hear Mason utter the words dadada.  He has heard it a million times, but he hasn't heard it since he deployed.  He only wanted to connect with Mason in some way and those little words would have made Brandon's day.  Well we are talking about a one year old here who has his own agenda.  Part of me is grateful that Mason is so unaware of Brandon being gone, but then I wish there was a way the two of them could communicate.  We have the daddy doll, the recordable book Brandon read before he left, and pictures everywhere.  I wish I could know what is going through Mason's little head when he hears his Dad's voice.  I hope somewhere in there Mason knows that the voice he hears is from a man who loves him so much and that he is the reason Brandon defends the United States of America willingly and proudly.  I also hope that Brandon understands that Mason talks to him everyday.  It may not be on the phone like Brandon would like him to do, but I see it.  He runs around saying dadadadadadadadada.  He carries his daddy doll into his ball pit with him or pushes it around in his grocery cart.  He flips the pages of his recordable book from Brandon and babbles away to it.  Mason knows who his daddy is in his little heart. 

Waves

These emotions are coming in waves and I am not sure how to handle it other than reaching for the oh shit bar.  I was on a roll for a few days, then BAM I was quickly reminded on Tuesday that only two weeks have passed since we last touched.  Two weeks feels like two months to my heart.  I envy those who say they are at the half way mark and I can't wait to be in their shoes.  Of course I am happy that their husbands will be returning soon, but the selfish part of me thinks about how I would love to trade spots with them.  You may think that I need to get out of the house or keep myself busy to keep these thoughts out of my head, but I can hardly fit anything else in my schedule right now.  I have taken on five classes, play groups, tumbling class for Mason, and church activities.  These thoughts are just in the back of my head and I fight them as much as possible.  They usually take a hold of me at night after I have put Mason to bed and my homework is finished.  I try to make myself go to sleep, but that is next to impossible these days.  It just sucks.  I am trying to be positive here like everyone thinks I should, but that is easier said then done. 

It is about more than Surviving

I am starting to stand on my own two feet again.  I didn't think this moment would come so soon after Brandon deployed, but I wasn't getting anywhere dwelling on our last few moments together.  I feel stronger, more independent, and happier everyday that goes by.  I realize this deployement is only temporary and he will be back in my arms before the holidays roll around.  When the holidays approach I always hear people (myself included) say where did this year go?!?!  I don't want to feel that way, because after all I have Mason here.  I want to make everyday worth living with him.  I don't want to wish his young days away.  He is growing so quickly right before my eyes.

I did something I didn't think I could do, and I am pretty sure not many other people thought I could do.  It may not be a big deal to others, but I went out and bought a car.  I haggled, and made deals.  I did my research on the cars and read articles on what to say and not to say to the dealers.  I think I did good and I feel confident about the deal.  Overall, I feel relieved that we have a car now.  I did love that volvo and I appreciate what my parents did for our family at that time in our life. 

I still miss Brandon deeply, but we are surviving.  I would like to think we are doing more than surviving.  We are living and happy.  Brandon is having a chance to get back in the gym and I am concentrating on school.  The most important thing to do is make the time apart worth it.  Take care of yourself, do things you wouldn't normally do, hang out a little later with your girlfriends.  By no means would I choose to be apart from one another, and I am only making the best of what has been laid in our laps.

This to Shall Pass

I read over my recent posts and I realize that I may come off as poor me a little bit, and that is not that kind of blog I was going for.  I thought this would be more of a positive thing and help others cope with similar situations.  The truth is that this blog has become my outlet, and I have had a few cruddy situations lately.  I realize it could be worse, but I need somewhere to let my feelings out without judgement.  This blog is helping me overcome my day to day troubles that Brandon would usually help me work through.  I am completely guilty of leaving the good stuff out, but I try by the end of the post to put a positive spin on it.  Life isn't always going to be a bed of roses, and there will be thorns along the way.  Right now I am experiencing some huge thorns.  These thorns will disappear and our family will be stronger because of these times.  I can say that this blog is the truth through my eyes.  It is not censored and you are reading my deepest feelings.  Feelings, opinions, goals, outlooks can change even throughout the day depending on the environment around you.  When I feel that the weight is too heavy to bare I turn to this blog and let you have it how it is in that very moment.  My whole day isn't a complete mess.  Mason gives me the simplest grins and I am in heaven, Titan pouts until he is offered a place on the couch and that cracks me up, I have girl talk with my friends and I am refreshed.  I have more good times than bad times and I am thankful for that. 
Most of all I am thankful for the church home I am slowly finding a place in.  I have a damaged relationship with Christ that is constantly a work in progress.  I pray I am in the right place for now. 

Here is a song that just speaks to me right now.  Enjoy.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

 

Deployment Curse

I am trying to believe that there is a reason for this.  That this will make me stronger.  I will look back and laugh at this moment one day.  That I will thank you for giving me these circumstances to make me stronger.  But right now it is hard for me to think logical.  I try not to get wrapped up in the whole deployment curse, but I swear it does exist.  I have experienced southern CA being on fire, my dog almost dying, and now my car gets flooded.  I don't know how the hell I get myself into these situations.  When the car just stopped driving, I couldn't even put together what was happening.  I thought no way, this is a dream and I am going to wake up any minute.  I quickly realized when the water was covering my feet that it wasn't a dream and I needed to pull myself together for Mason.  We ended up having to crawl through the windows, and long story short my swagger wagon might be totaled. 

The upside of this situation is that I have awesome people in my life.  I don't know what I would have done without Christy, Jen, and Matt.  They even had me laughing by the end of it all.  It is easy for people to say they will be there for you and to call them anytime you need anything.  Sometimes people don't mean it when they say that and don't want to be bogged down with your crisis.  Not my friends, they were there for our family.  I don't know what I would have done without them, and I am in debt to them. What makes them even better is that they don't expect anything, and I hope we can be there for them one day. 

Espanol made me cry

My struggle with Spanish started in high school, and I quickly realized ASL(American Sign Language) would be a better fit for me.  For my degree that I am currently pursuing Spanish is highly recommended.  I am in Elementary Spanish folks, and boy it is a challenge for me.  The instructor speaks Spanish 90% of the class.  Since I missed his class yesterday morning, I had to go in today to make up the exam.   I thought I totally had it.  I was wrong.  It was like my mind drew a blank.  English rules wouldn't get out of my head.  All I kept saying in my head is i before e except after c.  It doesn't work like that in Spanish.  I couldn't remember what was masculine and feminine.  You would think this is what broke me down, but it wasn't.  Before turning the test in I came to the realization that I did my best and that is all I can expect out of myself.  I was on my way out, when Professor Salvador asked how I was holding up?  He asked me in Spanish, and I panicked for a moment thinking does he really want me to reply in Spanish.  Then the waterworks started.  My eyes filled up, and my heart started pounding.  Professor Salvador is a stranger to me, and he has tons of students.  He makes us put signs with our names written on it on our desk every single class, but he had it in him to remember why I missed class yesterday.  Strangers do care about me, my husband, our troops.  I told him I was okay, and hasta manana!  I didn't mean to be so short, but I hadn't expected anyone to say much to me at school.  I thought I was going to be in and out with minimal conversation, and his concern caught me off guard. 
By the way I am getting a tutor for Spanish.

D-Day

It is hard to believe today has come and gone already.  I suppose a piece of me is relieved that the anxiety of when he is leaving is over with.  Now we can start the countdown to homecoming.  I can't wait until the months turn into weeks, days, hours, minutes, and then seconds.  Am I crazy for already mentioning the word homecoming? I don't think so.  That is the light at the end of the tunnel for me.  Last deployment, I counted down by how many pay days were left.  That number was always less intimidating.  Here I will show you...Which one sounds better?  Fourteen pay days until homecoming or over 200 days until homecoming?  Exactly.  I will stick with paydays again. 
Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to be a Marine wife.  I don't hold it together on deployment days.  I am that girl that is hyperventilating as my husband walks away.  Maybe part of me thought see ya laters became easier the second time around.

I am grateful for Mason today.  Well, I am grateful for him everyday, but especially today.  When I was taking him out of his car seat when we arrived at the house from dropping Brandon off, he sighed and snuggled up to me.  He was telling me that he needed me to be strong for him, and I will, we will.  After his bath tonight we(Mason, Me, & Daddy in the doll form) cuddled up and listened to the book Brandon recored.  It was a bitter sweet ending to our day.

Am I ready for daycare?!?!?!

Mason is growing up quickly, and it is bittersweet to witness.  It is hitting me that Mason and I will be apart almost all day starting Thursday!!!!  This will only happen two days a week while I go to school.  I know it will all be worth it in the end when I have that degree in my hand.  I will be wondering what he is doing all day while I am in class.  I hope the babysitter knows how lucky she is to be hanging out with such a cool kid :) 

We started a new playgroup today.  Mason seem to enjoy the other kids.  He started to have a semi meltdown around 10:30(his nap time), and I took that as my cue to leave. 

Today, was also Brandon's 26th birthday, and first birthday as a dad!  We had a pretty low key day.  He bought the game he wanted, I cooked him this chicken surprise that he likes, and I baked him a cake.  Brandon seemed to enjoy everything, and that is all I needed to see. 

I didn't want the New Year to come

For most the New Year is a reason for celebrating, but I wasn't ready to let go of 2010.  2010 was an overall awesome year for our family with few humps in the road.  When I look back at the humps they are so minor in the big picture of life.  Our humps of 2010 range from car problems(again and again), a few months of crashing at our family and friends' houses until we recieved base housing(a BIG thank you to our friends & fam for putting up with us), and being apart from Brandon for a couple of months.  The best moment of 2010 hands down was meeting our little Beane, Mason Urijah.  Some other major highlights of 2010 include Brandon picking up Sgt., getting a free car from my parents, and getting a 96.5 in my college class.
 Now that January 2011 is here I can say that my husband is deploying this month.  I hate how that sounds, and I can't believe how quickly it has crept up on us.  I try to stay positive and look at it as logically as possible, but I have my moments, days, and weeks.  I have a feeling this month is going to fly by.   In this week alone we will be celebrating both Brandon and Mason's birthday, I start school (5 classes), new play group, and friends and family will be arriving at the end of the week(YAY). 
Whether I like it or not 2011 is here, and I will stay strong for Mason.