Why my marriage can make it through a deployment?

Typically, you wouldn't think much good could come out of a deployment.  The word itself can make some of our stomachs turn.  The truth is that there is a positive side to it.  Looking back six months ago I felt so weak and vulnerable.  The slightest thing went wrong and I was a blubbering mess of smeared mascara.  I kept asking myself over and over again why me when things wouldn't go how I planned.  It finally hit me...WHY NOT ME?   Believe me this deployment dealt me a tricky set of cards.  Anything from car issues to appendicitis happened.  So now on to the positive part, I found my old self again.  I dusted off those jeans that have been hiding in the back of the drawer for far too long and made it a goal to see my butt in them again one day.  Also, I took a full time load at school both semesters.  Not only did I slowly start to gain control of my life again but I found independence and confidence.  Controlled confidence can be sexy.  All in all this deployment gave me a chance to focus on myself.  In return my family will also see the benefits of me taking time to better myself.  I look forward to having Brandon back in the picture with us and being a team again. 

On a side note it obviously took me a long time to get to this point and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when they first leave.  I also understand if Brandon deploys again one day we will probably go through similar steps all over.  All I am saying is there is always room to better ourselves and reinvent our dreams....no better time than a deployment to make it happen.

Goals & Challenges

I have noticed that I am a happier person when I have goals in mind and I slowly chip away at them.  Sometimes these goals I have for myself turn into things that I didn't expect.  Recently, I have lost over 40lbs and still going.  Initially the journey was just about getting the weight off, but in between I have learned to respect every stretch mark and pound lost.  I may not ever feel comfortable enough to be in a bathing suit again, but I am OK with that.  I have made a baby, and not everyone can say they did that! I also breastfed my child for 13 months.  I basically gave my body up for almost two years in order to better my son.  I would do it all over again minus a few slices of pizza and sour patch kids.

After I finish this summer semester up I am going to challenge myself to read the bible.  I have discovered that I really don't know as much as I should about my faith.  How can I even call myself a Christian when I haven't even attempted to read the whole bible.  Sure, I know the major stories of the bible, but I need to be equipped with more than that.  I have questions that I have just put to the back of my head, but it is time to go looking for the answers.  I hope to get out of this a better understanding of what I believe in and the ability to stand up to whoever questions my beliefs.  Sadly, at this point in time I would probably be made out to look like a fool.  I know my heart is in the right spot, but I think God expects more out of us than that.  I know everything about my parents, husband, son, and best friends...why wouldn't I want to know all of God's story? 

I really am trying...

It always comes when I least expect it and at the most random times.  Sometimes I will be cooking dinner, doing homework, or just driving to school and the tears start pouring down.  Nothing in particular ever triggers it and I always feel stupid afterwards.  I miss him so much and my heart aches.  I sit in a class with 30 people in it and feel alone or I go to church on Sundays and I feel absolutely numb.  I don't know how to get past any of these feelings.  It is scary how much you can love someone and how deeply it can hurt and effect you when they are not in your daily life.  I am completely dependent on Brandon's love and support.  I am more than ready for it to be my turn for homecoming.  I am ready to pick out that special outfit I know he won't even care about when he sees us.  I am ready to feel the butterflies right before he gets off that white bus and into my arms.  I am ready to feel my heart pounding out of my chest when I finally see him.  I am ready to feel his arms completely wrapped around me.  And most of all I am ready to see him hold our son.  I have a few months to go and a whole semester of school to get through.  I know our day will come...

Keep on Keeping on

We are over the hump and I suppose we are on the down hill side now.  3 1/2 months and I am still standing and breathing.  I know I get stronger with every day that goes by, but I want my best friend back.  I need his support in so many things.  I am fortunate enough to be able to talk to him often through emails or phone calls, but that doesn't replace the look in his eyes that can say a 1000 words or when he grabs my hand to let me know we are in this together.  Most days I am OK but on evenings like tonight I feel overwhelmed with the amount of days we still have to be separated.  I feel horrible even mentioning this thought, but I wish I could go through a whole day without thinking about homecoming and deployment mess.  It is always in the back of my mind.  My husband and I have very separate lives right now and I will never see or understand where he is working at right now.  It is an odd feeling to go from knowing 90% of your spouse's days to being left to fill in the blanks.  Most details of my day feel too minor to even mention on the phone when we talk, but he insists that he wants to hear about it.  For now our family is going to keep on keeping on and pray that the next 3-4 months are a lot smoother than the past 4 months. 

Still The One

I love the fact that after over five years together Brandon still gives me that feeling that I want to stand on top of a mountain and tell the whole world that I absolutely love him and everything about him, even the way he sticks his top lip up when he is annoyed.  After three months of not seeing one another we were able to skype today and I don't think I can come down from the high.  I didn't think it would be too big of a deal but I was absolutely speechless when the web cam finally started working.  I couldn't quit smiling and neither could he.  I felt like I could have just sat there and stared at him the whole time without talking.  There is no other way to put it other than he took my breath away. 

The only downside is that it leaves me wanting more.  Only a couple more months of this deployment and I will be in his arms again!

Oh and did I mention I LOVE BRANDON MATTHEW BEANE.  If I had a notebook in front of me right now I would be doodling hearts and his last name all over it.

66 Days

I only have about a month left of this semester! YAY! I am sure I am going to end with an A in four out of five of my classes.  I ended up withdrawling from Spanish.  Withdrawling from Spanish was a hard pill to swallow, but I felt beyond lost in that class.  I know I can do it, and looking back I could have put more effort forth.  I will take Spanish again another semester.  Other than withdrawling from Spanish, I feel very good about school.  I am a little intimidated about the classes ahead of me, but I knew this wouldn't be easy.  If it was easy than everyone would have their nursing degree!  I know I will be Nurse Beane one day! 

The days never get easier without Brandon and I didn't expect them to.  Overall we are hanging in there and We are already down two months! Gosh.  Part of me can't believe that 66 days has passed already and then my heart aches that I haven't kissed him in 66 days.  I haven't seen him sleeping in 66 days.  I haven't dialed his number in 66 days.  I haven't seen him tuck Mason into bed in 66 days.  It is rough when I think of it that way.  I must admit that I do love the super duper sweet side of him that comes out when he is deployed.  When he deploys we have to get a little more creative about expressing our feelings and it makes our relationship stronger.  Brandon NEVER EVER writes hand written letters and I about died when I recieved one in the mail.  Not only was there a letter for me, but he wrote one for Mason too!  He is an amazing dad and husband.

Well this is my life for now.  School, deployment, gym, and Mason!  I am so thankful for that little monster.  He keeps me going when I don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other.

......

I wish that the one person that I know will never walk away from me or stop loving me was here.

I miss Brandon with all my heart.  Not a moment goes by that my body doesn't ache for him. I would do anything to sleep with his arms around me, feel his lips pressing up against mine, and slip my hand into his.  He is involved in every single thought I have.  Every thing Mason does I wish he could see, every tear I cry I wish he could wipe, every new recipe I bake I wish he could taste, and every single morning I wake up I wish I could see his face.  I swear I tell myself and everyone else that I am doing better and it gets easier, but I can't make myself believe that.  There is not a single thing in the world he could do to make me love him less and I feel that same comfort from him.  I would love to look in his eyes right now and hear him tell me everything will be ok with that half grin on his face.  I could have 100 people tell me the same thing, but it wouldn't make me feel the way Brandon would.  The truth is that everything is okay if I have him and Mason at the end of the day. 

I can't wait until this is over.