I can't think of anything clever today.

Today. Today I was driving to church, and it just didn't feel right.  I wanted to feel Brandon's presence, but I couldn't.  I wanted to look over and see him riding in the passenger seat and hear him talking about digging into the biscuits and gravy at church.  I wanted to grab his hand and feel his fingers in between mine.  Life doesn't seem right without him here.  Sometimes I wonder what the heck am I doing here?  The reason I am here in Jacksonville, NC is to be with Brandon.  What is the point of living so far away from friends and family if I can't even be with him?  Then I quickly snap out of that train of thought, because this is going to be a way of life for us.  This isn't our first deployment and it will not be our last.  I can't up and move our family and crash at my parent's house for seven months at a time.  I have to make Jacksonville our home for the time being.  I have to make friends like I am going to have them in my life forever.  I can't think of the possibility of losing them in a year or two due to military orders.  Our lifestyle is all about living in the moment.  I can't plan for next year or even six months from now.  We take it a day at a time, and a step at a time. 

I ended up joining the church we have been attending for the last couple of months.  I felt good to make it official.  Sometimes, I am too hard on myself.  I deserve to be part of a church even if my relationship with God isn't where I want it to be yet.  All things happen in time.

Today I spoke with a spouse whose husband won't return until January 2012.  He will be deployed for an entire year.  I was speechless.  She is raising four kids on her own.  I admire her and I pray I can be as strong as her one day.

I also noticed another thing that us military spouses do.  I was asked when Brandon would be returning, and I said,  "sometime in September, hopefully."  They replied something along the lines of oh that is not that bad.  WHHHAAATTTT?  Are you living on a different planet than I am?  Not that bad?  I know I am guilty of probably saying similar things to other spouses, and I am going to be more aware of that from here on out.  I think we tell ourselves that it is not that bad hoping in return that we will actually believe it.  Does that theory work for anyone? Not me. 

All of this pain that I am going through is a good sign.  It means my heart is in the right spot.  I love my husband deeply and being apart like this should sting on a daily basis.  I am learning to live with it, but it is always there like an annoying bug bite.

oh and before we part....I almost forgot to mention something.  I want to say that Brandon said on the phone to me that they are starting a bible study in Afghanistan and he is thinking about going.  I couldn't believe it.  I thought the only reason I was getting him to go to our church was for the biscuits and gravy.  I am so happy to hear that he has a craving for God.  I ask anyone who reads this to pray that Brandon finds his way to that bible study and he finds what he is looking for there. 

I miss this.

To care package or not to care package?

I have been avoiding going care package shopping, because it just adds to the reality that Brandon is really not here.  He is not coming back next weekend or even next month.  That isn't exactly fair to Brandon who is anxious to have a taste of home when he is so far away.  Needless to say, I sucked it up and made him a care package.  I included the typical stuff that most of the guys want - Beef jerky, protein bars, and magazines.  Brandon also has a thing for crunchy peanut butter and I threw that in there also.  I wanted to do something a little special for him.  I miss having him around to taste my latest cacations, and I thought well heck he can still taste some of them even if he is all the way across the world.  With extra love and care I baked him cake in a jar and cheesy ranch chex mix.  I hope his heart is happy when he gets this package and he feels a little bit more connected to us.  I love Brandon Beane so much, and I would bake him a million cakes if that is what his heart desired.

I think next time I make the cake in a jar, I will use a measuring cup to pour it in there.  But hey I don't think they came out too bad for my first time making them! Brandon could care less if there is cake on the side of the jar or not.  If you make the cake in the jar remember to send icing(do not apply the icing in the jar) and forks/knives.  I will also include the recipes for ya :)

~Cake in a Jar~


Ingredients

• Get wide-mouth canning jars. You can find them at Walmart. Boil the jars to sterilize.
• 1 package of cake mix or any cake recipe

Directions
1. Make the cake batter according to the instructions or recipe
2. Grease the jar by liberally spraying the inside with cooking spray
3. Fill jar no more than 1/2 way with batter
4. Place jars on cookie sheet on rack in the oven. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean @ 400 degrees
5. While baking, boil jar lids in a pan of water
6. When cake is done, take on jar out at a time and cover with hot lid. Screw on jar ring tightening it slightly
7. The lid will seal as it cools. Listen to hear the "ping" as they seal.
8. As the cake cools, it will pull away from the jar slightly. That's OK, it just means that it will slide out of the jar easily.
9. DO NOT FROST cake in the jar! Send frosting along.
10. Make sure you wrap the jars well (bubble wrap is preferable, but wadded newspaper or clothing and other items will pad it too)

~Cheesy Ranch Chex Mix~

Original Recipe Yield 26 (1/2 cup) servings

Ingredients

• 9 cups Corn Chex®, Rice Chex® or Wheat Chex® cereal (or combination)
• 2 cups bite-size pretzel twists
• 2 cups bite-size cheese crackers
• 3 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted
• 1 (1 ounce) package ranch dressing and seasoning mix
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1.      In large microwaveable bowl, microwave butter uncovered on High about 30 seconds or until melted. Stir in cereal, pretzels and crackers until evenly coated. Stir in dressing mix and cheese until evenly coated.

2.      Microwave uncovered on High 3 minutes, stirring each minute. Spread on waxed paper or foil to cool, about 15 minutes. Store in airtight container.

If the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines

I can't quit thinking about Sgt. DeYoung and the family he left behind.  Every one's heart should be heavy when they hear his story.  The really heartbreaking thing of it all is that his story is happening everyday.  A Marine gave his life, the ultimate sacrifice.  He gave his life for you and I.  I posted his story on my facebook, but I don't know how many people really grasp what they read or if they even took the time to read it.  I mean do they understand that he was a husband, father, son, nephew, grandson, brother, and friend to someone?  He isn't a nobody and he died for complete strangers.  Strangers who probably just glance over his story and don't think much of it.  I don't mean to come off as aggressive or negative, and I hope I have it all wrong.  If you watch the video I posted, you can hear the sobbing.  I can only imagine how his wife feels.  A military wife's deepest fears are her reality.  There aren't any magical healing words for that kind of situation, and even time will never completely heal that kind of wound.  Please people, realize freedom is not free.  Sgt. DeYoung is a hero in every kind of way.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream

If it wasn't one thing it was another when it came to getting to the gym.  Either I was out of a car, or the baby sitter wasn't available to watch Mason.  I finally dragged my butt to the gym today and it was needed more than I knew  I can tell you right now I wasn't exactly excited about going, but once I got into doing cardio I felt the worries drift away.  For a hour and a half I didn't think about all the tests I have coming up, the presentation I am deathly afraid of giving tomorrow, or how messy the house is.  My worries about Brandon were even minimized during my time at the gym.  I can't say that they completely went away, but my thoughts weren't pounding like they usually are.  I could breathe.  After having this time to myself to just be me, and focus on nothing but myself, I felt like I had more control over things.  I felt hope to get this weight off that I have been dragging around for over a year. I will be smoking when Brandon gets back.  The real challenge is keeping it off and making this a change for our whole family.  I don't want this to be a constant battle, just a way of life.  Here is to another goal I would like to accomplish this deployment...lose sixty pounds.  Here are the other goals I have decided on. 

Goals for the deployment

• Get all A's and B's in my college classes
• Lose 60 lbs
• Start a deployment devotional
• Go to the park weekly with Mason
• Pay off Eclipse
• Become involved with Church
• Be the best friend I can be to all my people

I knew what I was getting into when I married a Marine

A new week is here and it is the last week of February! Wahhhoooo! Between exams, essays, and class presentations this week is booked and should make for another speedy week down. 

Some food for thought...I have heard a particular statement thrown around a lot about military spouses.  Sometimes I even hear military spouses saying it about themselves.  It is the words well I knew what I was getting into when I married a Marine or others will say you knew what you were getting into when you married a Marine.  What the heck does that mean? Do we really choose who we love and would you walk away from someone that was perfect for you because their occupation didn't fit into your fairy tale ending?  No matter how aware you are of what your future with your husband could be like, nothing prepares you like actually going through a deployment.  Then the second one will be different than the first and the fifth will be nothing like the third deployment.  There isn't any way to prepare yourself for this sort of thing.  Sure, the deployment will test your marriage, but it could also bring out the best in your marriage.  My Marine treats me good when we are together, but I can't deny that the most sensitive sweetest side of him comes out when he is away from home.  We have to get creative with our communication and show one another we love them in different ways.  He can't exactly give me that kiss on my head that lets me know that everything is going to be okay, but he can send me a thoughtful email with all the words I need to hear or a pic of him doing the I love you sign.

Back to the saying about knowing what you were getting into.  That statement makes it seem like military spouses don't have the right to be upset that their heart and soul is deployed.  People need to know the struggles that happen everyday for military families.  If you are sad, because your husband is deployed tell people! More than likely people will thank you for what you are going through and tell you that they could never do what you are doing.  Sometimes you need to hear that and don't be afraid to dig for some gratitude.  You deserve it.

My Daddy is a United States Marine

My heart goes out to my Marine today.  He typically calls in the middle of the night when Mason is sleeping, but it worked out today that Mason was awake when he called.  Brandon was more than anxious to hear Mason babbling and he was hoping to hear Mason utter the words dadada.  He has heard it a million times, but he hasn't heard it since he deployed.  He only wanted to connect with Mason in some way and those little words would have made Brandon's day.  Well we are talking about a one year old here who has his own agenda.  Part of me is grateful that Mason is so unaware of Brandon being gone, but then I wish there was a way the two of them could communicate.  We have the daddy doll, the recordable book Brandon read before he left, and pictures everywhere.  I wish I could know what is going through Mason's little head when he hears his Dad's voice.  I hope somewhere in there Mason knows that the voice he hears is from a man who loves him so much and that he is the reason Brandon defends the United States of America willingly and proudly.  I also hope that Brandon understands that Mason talks to him everyday.  It may not be on the phone like Brandon would like him to do, but I see it.  He runs around saying dadadadadadadadada.  He carries his daddy doll into his ball pit with him or pushes it around in his grocery cart.  He flips the pages of his recordable book from Brandon and babbles away to it.  Mason knows who his daddy is in his little heart. 

Waves

These emotions are coming in waves and I am not sure how to handle it other than reaching for the oh shit bar.  I was on a roll for a few days, then BAM I was quickly reminded on Tuesday that only two weeks have passed since we last touched.  Two weeks feels like two months to my heart.  I envy those who say they are at the half way mark and I can't wait to be in their shoes.  Of course I am happy that their husbands will be returning soon, but the selfish part of me thinks about how I would love to trade spots with them.  You may think that I need to get out of the house or keep myself busy to keep these thoughts out of my head, but I can hardly fit anything else in my schedule right now.  I have taken on five classes, play groups, tumbling class for Mason, and church activities.  These thoughts are just in the back of my head and I fight them as much as possible.  They usually take a hold of me at night after I have put Mason to bed and my homework is finished.  I try to make myself go to sleep, but that is next to impossible these days.  It just sucks.  I am trying to be positive here like everyone thinks I should, but that is easier said then done. 

It is about more than Surviving

I am starting to stand on my own two feet again.  I didn't think this moment would come so soon after Brandon deployed, but I wasn't getting anywhere dwelling on our last few moments together.  I feel stronger, more independent, and happier everyday that goes by.  I realize this deployement is only temporary and he will be back in my arms before the holidays roll around.  When the holidays approach I always hear people (myself included) say where did this year go?!?!  I don't want to feel that way, because after all I have Mason here.  I want to make everyday worth living with him.  I don't want to wish his young days away.  He is growing so quickly right before my eyes.

I did something I didn't think I could do, and I am pretty sure not many other people thought I could do.  It may not be a big deal to others, but I went out and bought a car.  I haggled, and made deals.  I did my research on the cars and read articles on what to say and not to say to the dealers.  I think I did good and I feel confident about the deal.  Overall, I feel relieved that we have a car now.  I did love that volvo and I appreciate what my parents did for our family at that time in our life. 

I still miss Brandon deeply, but we are surviving.  I would like to think we are doing more than surviving.  We are living and happy.  Brandon is having a chance to get back in the gym and I am concentrating on school.  The most important thing to do is make the time apart worth it.  Take care of yourself, do things you wouldn't normally do, hang out a little later with your girlfriends.  By no means would I choose to be apart from one another, and I am only making the best of what has been laid in our laps.

This to Shall Pass

I read over my recent posts and I realize that I may come off as poor me a little bit, and that is not that kind of blog I was going for.  I thought this would be more of a positive thing and help others cope with similar situations.  The truth is that this blog has become my outlet, and I have had a few cruddy situations lately.  I realize it could be worse, but I need somewhere to let my feelings out without judgement.  This blog is helping me overcome my day to day troubles that Brandon would usually help me work through.  I am completely guilty of leaving the good stuff out, but I try by the end of the post to put a positive spin on it.  Life isn't always going to be a bed of roses, and there will be thorns along the way.  Right now I am experiencing some huge thorns.  These thorns will disappear and our family will be stronger because of these times.  I can say that this blog is the truth through my eyes.  It is not censored and you are reading my deepest feelings.  Feelings, opinions, goals, outlooks can change even throughout the day depending on the environment around you.  When I feel that the weight is too heavy to bare I turn to this blog and let you have it how it is in that very moment.  My whole day isn't a complete mess.  Mason gives me the simplest grins and I am in heaven, Titan pouts until he is offered a place on the couch and that cracks me up, I have girl talk with my friends and I am refreshed.  I have more good times than bad times and I am thankful for that. 
Most of all I am thankful for the church home I am slowly finding a place in.  I have a damaged relationship with Christ that is constantly a work in progress.  I pray I am in the right place for now. 

Here is a song that just speaks to me right now.  Enjoy.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

 

Deployment Curse

I am trying to believe that there is a reason for this.  That this will make me stronger.  I will look back and laugh at this moment one day.  That I will thank you for giving me these circumstances to make me stronger.  But right now it is hard for me to think logical.  I try not to get wrapped up in the whole deployment curse, but I swear it does exist.  I have experienced southern CA being on fire, my dog almost dying, and now my car gets flooded.  I don't know how the hell I get myself into these situations.  When the car just stopped driving, I couldn't even put together what was happening.  I thought no way, this is a dream and I am going to wake up any minute.  I quickly realized when the water was covering my feet that it wasn't a dream and I needed to pull myself together for Mason.  We ended up having to crawl through the windows, and long story short my swagger wagon might be totaled. 

The upside of this situation is that I have awesome people in my life.  I don't know what I would have done without Christy, Jen, and Matt.  They even had me laughing by the end of it all.  It is easy for people to say they will be there for you and to call them anytime you need anything.  Sometimes people don't mean it when they say that and don't want to be bogged down with your crisis.  Not my friends, they were there for our family.  I don't know what I would have done without them, and I am in debt to them. What makes them even better is that they don't expect anything, and I hope we can be there for them one day. 

Espanol made me cry

My struggle with Spanish started in high school, and I quickly realized ASL(American Sign Language) would be a better fit for me.  For my degree that I am currently pursuing Spanish is highly recommended.  I am in Elementary Spanish folks, and boy it is a challenge for me.  The instructor speaks Spanish 90% of the class.  Since I missed his class yesterday morning, I had to go in today to make up the exam.   I thought I totally had it.  I was wrong.  It was like my mind drew a blank.  English rules wouldn't get out of my head.  All I kept saying in my head is i before e except after c.  It doesn't work like that in Spanish.  I couldn't remember what was masculine and feminine.  You would think this is what broke me down, but it wasn't.  Before turning the test in I came to the realization that I did my best and that is all I can expect out of myself.  I was on my way out, when Professor Salvador asked how I was holding up?  He asked me in Spanish, and I panicked for a moment thinking does he really want me to reply in Spanish.  Then the waterworks started.  My eyes filled up, and my heart started pounding.  Professor Salvador is a stranger to me, and he has tons of students.  He makes us put signs with our names written on it on our desk every single class, but he had it in him to remember why I missed class yesterday.  Strangers do care about me, my husband, our troops.  I told him I was okay, and hasta manana!  I didn't mean to be so short, but I hadn't expected anyone to say much to me at school.  I thought I was going to be in and out with minimal conversation, and his concern caught me off guard. 
By the way I am getting a tutor for Spanish.

D-Day

It is hard to believe today has come and gone already.  I suppose a piece of me is relieved that the anxiety of when he is leaving is over with.  Now we can start the countdown to homecoming.  I can't wait until the months turn into weeks, days, hours, minutes, and then seconds.  Am I crazy for already mentioning the word homecoming? I don't think so.  That is the light at the end of the tunnel for me.  Last deployment, I counted down by how many pay days were left.  That number was always less intimidating.  Here I will show you...Which one sounds better?  Fourteen pay days until homecoming or over 200 days until homecoming?  Exactly.  I will stick with paydays again. 
Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to be a Marine wife.  I don't hold it together on deployment days.  I am that girl that is hyperventilating as my husband walks away.  Maybe part of me thought see ya laters became easier the second time around.

I am grateful for Mason today.  Well, I am grateful for him everyday, but especially today.  When I was taking him out of his car seat when we arrived at the house from dropping Brandon off, he sighed and snuggled up to me.  He was telling me that he needed me to be strong for him, and I will, we will.  After his bath tonight we(Mason, Me, & Daddy in the doll form) cuddled up and listened to the book Brandon recored.  It was a bitter sweet ending to our day.