I really am trying...

It always comes when I least expect it and at the most random times.  Sometimes I will be cooking dinner, doing homework, or just driving to school and the tears start pouring down.  Nothing in particular ever triggers it and I always feel stupid afterwards.  I miss him so much and my heart aches.  I sit in a class with 30 people in it and feel alone or I go to church on Sundays and I feel absolutely numb.  I don't know how to get past any of these feelings.  It is scary how much you can love someone and how deeply it can hurt and effect you when they are not in your daily life.  I am completely dependent on Brandon's love and support.  I am more than ready for it to be my turn for homecoming.  I am ready to pick out that special outfit I know he won't even care about when he sees us.  I am ready to feel the butterflies right before he gets off that white bus and into my arms.  I am ready to feel my heart pounding out of my chest when I finally see him.  I am ready to feel his arms completely wrapped around me.  And most of all I am ready to see him hold our son.  I have a few months to go and a whole semester of school to get through.  I know our day will come...

Keep on Keeping on

We are over the hump and I suppose we are on the down hill side now.  3 1/2 months and I am still standing and breathing.  I know I get stronger with every day that goes by, but I want my best friend back.  I need his support in so many things.  I am fortunate enough to be able to talk to him often through emails or phone calls, but that doesn't replace the look in his eyes that can say a 1000 words or when he grabs my hand to let me know we are in this together.  Most days I am OK but on evenings like tonight I feel overwhelmed with the amount of days we still have to be separated.  I feel horrible even mentioning this thought, but I wish I could go through a whole day without thinking about homecoming and deployment mess.  It is always in the back of my mind.  My husband and I have very separate lives right now and I will never see or understand where he is working at right now.  It is an odd feeling to go from knowing 90% of your spouse's days to being left to fill in the blanks.  Most details of my day feel too minor to even mention on the phone when we talk, but he insists that he wants to hear about it.  For now our family is going to keep on keeping on and pray that the next 3-4 months are a lot smoother than the past 4 months. 

Still The One

I love the fact that after over five years together Brandon still gives me that feeling that I want to stand on top of a mountain and tell the whole world that I absolutely love him and everything about him, even the way he sticks his top lip up when he is annoyed.  After three months of not seeing one another we were able to skype today and I don't think I can come down from the high.  I didn't think it would be too big of a deal but I was absolutely speechless when the web cam finally started working.  I couldn't quit smiling and neither could he.  I felt like I could have just sat there and stared at him the whole time without talking.  There is no other way to put it other than he took my breath away. 

The only downside is that it leaves me wanting more.  Only a couple more months of this deployment and I will be in his arms again!

Oh and did I mention I LOVE BRANDON MATTHEW BEANE.  If I had a notebook in front of me right now I would be doodling hearts and his last name all over it.