I can't think of anything clever today.

Today. Today I was driving to church, and it just didn't feel right.  I wanted to feel Brandon's presence, but I couldn't.  I wanted to look over and see him riding in the passenger seat and hear him talking about digging into the biscuits and gravy at church.  I wanted to grab his hand and feel his fingers in between mine.  Life doesn't seem right without him here.  Sometimes I wonder what the heck am I doing here?  The reason I am here in Jacksonville, NC is to be with Brandon.  What is the point of living so far away from friends and family if I can't even be with him?  Then I quickly snap out of that train of thought, because this is going to be a way of life for us.  This isn't our first deployment and it will not be our last.  I can't up and move our family and crash at my parent's house for seven months at a time.  I have to make Jacksonville our home for the time being.  I have to make friends like I am going to have them in my life forever.  I can't think of the possibility of losing them in a year or two due to military orders.  Our lifestyle is all about living in the moment.  I can't plan for next year or even six months from now.  We take it a day at a time, and a step at a time. 

I ended up joining the church we have been attending for the last couple of months.  I felt good to make it official.  Sometimes, I am too hard on myself.  I deserve to be part of a church even if my relationship with God isn't where I want it to be yet.  All things happen in time.

Today I spoke with a spouse whose husband won't return until January 2012.  He will be deployed for an entire year.  I was speechless.  She is raising four kids on her own.  I admire her and I pray I can be as strong as her one day.

I also noticed another thing that us military spouses do.  I was asked when Brandon would be returning, and I said,  "sometime in September, hopefully."  They replied something along the lines of oh that is not that bad.  WHHHAAATTTT?  Are you living on a different planet than I am?  Not that bad?  I know I am guilty of probably saying similar things to other spouses, and I am going to be more aware of that from here on out.  I think we tell ourselves that it is not that bad hoping in return that we will actually believe it.  Does that theory work for anyone? Not me. 

All of this pain that I am going through is a good sign.  It means my heart is in the right spot.  I love my husband deeply and being apart like this should sting on a daily basis.  I am learning to live with it, but it is always there like an annoying bug bite.

oh and before we part....I almost forgot to mention something.  I want to say that Brandon said on the phone to me that they are starting a bible study in Afghanistan and he is thinking about going.  I couldn't believe it.  I thought the only reason I was getting him to go to our church was for the biscuits and gravy.  I am so happy to hear that he has a craving for God.  I ask anyone who reads this to pray that Brandon finds his way to that bible study and he finds what he is looking for there. 

I miss this.