I wish that the one person that I know will never walk away from me or stop loving me was here.
I miss Brandon with all my heart. Not a moment goes by that my body doesn't ache for him. I would do anything to sleep with his arms around me, feel his lips pressing up against mine, and slip my hand into his. He is involved in every single thought I have. Every thing Mason does I wish he could see, every tear I cry I wish he could wipe, every new recipe I bake I wish he could taste, and every single morning I wake up I wish I could see his face. I swear I tell myself and everyone else that I am doing better and it gets easier, but I can't make myself believe that. There is not a single thing in the world he could do to make me love him less and I feel that same comfort from him. I would love to look in his eyes right now and hear him tell me everything will be ok with that half grin on his face. I could have 100 people tell me the same thing, but it wouldn't make me feel the way Brandon would. The truth is that everything is okay if I have him and Mason at the end of the day.
I can't wait until this is over.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A little bit of this, and a little bit of that
Typically I try to have an idea of what I am going to talk about before I hit the keyboard to write my next blog entry. Not today, I am just going to go with where my fingers take me. Which is very similar to my life currently. Even planning the day seems to be too much and typically it never goes how I planned anyways.
I suppose I have a confession...I have seriously lacked in growing with my church community. I haven't felt it in my bones to go. Maybe these kind of feelings should be kept to myself, but I would like to think we all struggle with our faith from time to time. I still fold my hands every night hoping to feel something....but I feel nothing. I haven't felt any comfort in the last couple of weeks from the man upstairs. I even started a daily devotional for military spouses. I will hold onto my faith and I know it will grow again.
In my book, March is done! Ok, we have a couple more days, but so what! Time seems to fly by during the days, but at night time every minute feels like an hour. I toss and turn and don't fall asleep until after midnight. I think of what Brandon is doing, what he is thinking about, what he is eating! The list is endless. He is always on my mind. I would like to think the worst of it is over. The first month is always a struggle for me, but like the professionals say you eventually get in the swing of things. I suppose Mason and I are at that point now.
The best thing I did for myself was putting Mason in child care at the beginning of this year. The main reason was for school, but I have some hours of childcare left over to spend on myself. I felt guilty actually using the hours outside of school, but I would like to think it makes me a better mother. I get a chance to run, work out, or clean house without having to say "NO" a million times to Mason or dig thru the trash can looking for the remote. Some days I just kick my feet up and read a magazine when he is there...I am a crazy, I know! :)
I suppose I have a confession...I have seriously lacked in growing with my church community. I haven't felt it in my bones to go. Maybe these kind of feelings should be kept to myself, but I would like to think we all struggle with our faith from time to time. I still fold my hands every night hoping to feel something....but I feel nothing. I haven't felt any comfort in the last couple of weeks from the man upstairs. I even started a daily devotional for military spouses. I will hold onto my faith and I know it will grow again.
In my book, March is done! Ok, we have a couple more days, but so what! Time seems to fly by during the days, but at night time every minute feels like an hour. I toss and turn and don't fall asleep until after midnight. I think of what Brandon is doing, what he is thinking about, what he is eating! The list is endless. He is always on my mind. I would like to think the worst of it is over. The first month is always a struggle for me, but like the professionals say you eventually get in the swing of things. I suppose Mason and I are at that point now.
The best thing I did for myself was putting Mason in child care at the beginning of this year. The main reason was for school, but I have some hours of childcare left over to spend on myself. I felt guilty actually using the hours outside of school, but I would like to think it makes me a better mother. I get a chance to run, work out, or clean house without having to say "NO" a million times to Mason or dig thru the trash can looking for the remote. Some days I just kick my feet up and read a magazine when he is there...I am a crazy, I know! :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Yummm.
Lately it feels like if it isn't one thing it is another. I realize crazy stuff happens everyday in our life, but I guess none of it ever seems that bad when you have someone to help hold you up. It is easy to take your spouse for granted, but I don't think military spouses are guilty of that. We realize a time will come when we can't hug our spouses and cook them dinner. I would love to see Brandon chowing down on my sicilian meatloaf recipe and see that look of content on his face. I know it may sound weird, but I love making him happy. There isn't too much I can do when he is so far. Of course I send the care packages, and I wish I could see see his face when he opens them.
On a different note, I was thinking the other day about how I wish the days would go by quicker. Then it hit me that there is probably another Marine wife out there wishing the opposite. She is trying to squeeze in so many memories before the big deployment day. It made me feel so selfish for a minute, but I will be in her spot again one day. Unfortunately this is a continuous cycle and I don't see a end to to this war in the near future.
I realize this is a short one. I just wanted to let you know we are alive. School is keeping my schedule loaded and exercising has become an everyday thing.
On a different note, I was thinking the other day about how I wish the days would go by quicker. Then it hit me that there is probably another Marine wife out there wishing the opposite. She is trying to squeeze in so many memories before the big deployment day. It made me feel so selfish for a minute, but I will be in her spot again one day. Unfortunately this is a continuous cycle and I don't see a end to to this war in the near future.
I realize this is a short one. I just wanted to let you know we are alive. School is keeping my schedule loaded and exercising has become an everyday thing.
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